A Mom Laments Cute Shoes

Inside DSW

I went to DSW for no good reason. I don’t really need shoes, and I’m not the type of gal to collect them. But I was out of work early and had time to kill before I picked up my daughter from daycare, so I found myself pulling off of the highway and walking into the shoe store.

I took my time. I looked at sandals and thought of summer. I looked at the clearance rack and thought about winter.

I pretended that I was actually going to buy something. But even if I was going to make a purchase, there was nothing that I really needed. What I needed, I thought to myself, was a Melissa & Doug wooden food set and a Little Tikes water table.

And then I saw them.

Green Shoes

They were fantastically green, totally impractical and shiny.

Something about these shoes tugged at me. Something about them made me sad. All at once they reminded me of spring break and dancing and getting ready to go out with my girlfriends.

Now as a woman approaching 30 with a toddler, I only wear heels to work and weddings. So who are these shoes for?

Someone without children. Someone with a disposable income. Someone who goes out at night. Someone who buys a pair of shoes just to match one outfit. Someone who isn’t me.

And then she showed up. A ponytailed teenager with her put-together mom and tag along sister. “That’s them.” She told her entourage. The group agreed that the green would totally make her prom dress pop, and they took them to the register.

The magnificent green shoes were for someone whose mom was going to buy them for her—not for someone who is a mom and buys shoes for someone else.

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Kim Kardashian Alienates Parents While Trying to Cash in on Them

After we all just had to hear about how fantastic Kim Kardashian’s vagina was post-childbirth, the millionaire mommy has another doozy for us. Here’s one of her recent Facebook updates:

photokim2

I thought it would be something cute, so I clicked on the link at the end of her post.  Now fill in the blank by guessing what she’s actually talking about.  “Until you have your own child, you don’t realize____”

  • The sappy: How magical it is to create a new life
  • The funny: How much baby feet can stink
  • The practical: How important it is to get life insurance
  • The relatable: How all moms are in this together

But when I followed the link to her blog, I was blown away to learn that she was actually referring to the importance of quality fabric. She said:

 “Until you have your own child, you don’t realize how important it is for fabrics to be extra soft and accessible.”

When I think of things that should be accessible for babies and children, I think of healthy food, education and medical care. Fabric doesn’t make my list of parental concerns.

But Kim and sister Kourtney are very concerned with fabric. I learned from Kim’s blog post that soon they’ll be hawking their new Kardashian Kids baby clothes at a Babies “R” Us near you. And they’re trying to add to their net worth by cashing in on us regular moms.

You’d think that if Kim was trying to sell us something she’d at least attempt to relate to us. Well Kim, here’s some advice. A normal mom’s “extra soft” fabric is probably a hand-me-down. (The more you wash it, the softer it gets.) And as for  accessibility, every store on the planet already sells Carters.

Now I’ve been at this parenting thing for almost a year and a half, and the only time fabric ever crossed my mind was when I was trying to scrub spit up or poop stains out of it. I think Kim has someone else do that for her.

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Why the Mommy Wars are Fake and we Should Stop Perpetuating Them

Photo by Davisommerfeld (edited) Licensed.

Photo by Davisommerfeld (edited) Licensed.

That mom who hurt your feelings is not in the trenches of the Mommy Wars. There are no trenches, and there is no war. The truth is that she is just a bitch and probably always was. She is a grown up version of the girl in high school who talked behind your back and then asked to borrow a pen in French class (which she never returned.) You may have grown up since graduation — but she didn’t.

The “Mommy Wars” are just an excuse for people to be nasty. And we’re all getting sick of the poems, open letters and photos taking over social media to end the war. The best part is that sources like Parenting.com say the Mommy Wars aren’t even real. But if you do find yourself a casualty, do what we tell our children and make new friends.

Here’s a look back at that judgmental girl who grew up into a judgmental mom:

Judgmental Girl
She said she’s 100 pounds? She should use the scale at the gym because hers is wrong.

She’s going to get pregnant. She sits directly on public toilet seats.

Her car is such a junker. I would be sooo embarrassed to drive that to school.

She missed school because of cramps? She is so overdramatic.

That’s why she’s fat. She’s on AOL all day.

Did you see her tattoo?

Haha she’s afraid to use tampons? What a loser.

No wonder her face broke out — she eats school lunch.

Judgmental Mom
I can’t believe she uses a temporal thermometer. Rectal is the only way to get an accurate temperature.

Her kid is going to get MRSA from those public changing tables.

Eww look at her stroller. I bet you a latté she’ll need a new one by the time she pops out her next kid.

She gave him antibiotics again? Poor thing will develop an immunity.

Her baby is HUGE. They don’t limit his iPad time.

She pierced her daughter’s ears?

She’s the only mom I know who doesn’t use  organic diapers.

Her baby’s acne is from processed baby food.

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The People Running My Gym are Morons — But I’ll Let Them Babysit

Photo by alantankenghoe via Flickr

Photo by alantankenghoe (edited) via Flickr

I’m pretty sure my new gym is run by morons — but I’m still considering using their babysitting services. I just called to find out their child care hours, and this happened:

Employee 1: Welcome to ha ha hahaha ha hahah
Employee 2 in background: F@#&… Is someone still on the phone?
Me: Hello?
Employee 1: Hangs up

I haven’t even used my membership yet and the staff appears totally incompetent. When I signed up, the girl who gave me a tour of the facility didn’t know the answers to questions like “Do you have any easy aerobics classes for out-of-shape moms?”

And when I was trying to pay, their beefy trainer took up the entire counter as he flirted with an orange girl behind the register. He wouldn’t move over, so there was no room for me to sign my check. Why was I writing a check like an old lady at the supermarket? The gym’s credit card machine and printer were broken. Oh and the manager came in late.

But today I am considering putting all of this behind me and letting them watch my baby. Why?

I have not had any exercise since I was pregnant. That was 26 months ago. I really want a few minutes to myself to walk on the treadmill and listen to Britney Spears.

The Pro’s of Gym Babysitting

  • Other parents do it. The few times I have been in the building the daycare room was full. So it must be ok?

The Con’s

  • The child care staff is not Early Education and Care certified
  • The child care staff has not been CORI checked
  • My kid will probably catch something, and she just got over conjunctivitis that she picked up from the kid’s room at the library
  • I’m concerned that my daughter will choke on a toy while the sitters are coloring
  • I’m afraid a stranger will walk out with my kid
  • I’ve heard horror stories like this one of a baby being left alone at a nearby YMCA.

I’m torn. But there’s a good chance that when my daughter wakes up from nap, I’m going to leave her with a pack of under-qualified teenagers to catch Pink Eye.

 What’s your experience with babysitting services at a gym? Leave a comment.

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Is soap poisoning my baby? A mom’s journey to find safe soap.

Safe Baby Soap

6 soaps in 16 months– and counting

When my daughter was born 16 months ago, the Internet and my mom’s group taught me something that I still haven’t come to terms with: Soap is poisoning my baby. Slowly.

Here’s just one example:

I learned that the Johnson’s soap that I put on my gift registry, that my mother washed me with when I was an infant, and that the nurses at the hospital used to give my daughter her first bath contains toxic chemicals.

What chemicals exactly? I don’t know. I remember hearing the words “formaldehyde” and “cancer” in the same sentence.  And that’s enough for a new mom to start worrying.

Before I go on, I should tell you that I have never been the “earthy crunchy” type. I don’t buy organic produce. I don’t put coconut or jojoba oil on my face. I scrub my toilet with Fantastik. I’m just a regular mom. And now I’m a regular mom who has to spend her time worrying about something as silly as soap.

Parabens. Sulfates. Soy. Oh my!

When I became a mom I learned that  just because a product is sold in the United States, it doesn’t mean it’s safe.  And that rocked my world.

Johnson’s is the self-proclaimed “#1 choice of hospitals” and their product contains formaldehyd. So we’ve been putting the same thing on new babies and dead people. Why are doctors and nurses ok with this?

This got me thinking… if a brand as well known as Johnson’s has poisons chemicals in it, what about everything else on the shelf at Target?

My ridiculous journey to find a baby-safe soap:

Mustella Baby SoapSoon after my daughter was born, I stopped using Johnson’s and switched to the fancy French Mustella soap and body wash that she received as a gift. It was expensive, so it had to be good…

 

Dove Sensitive Skin Soap

Then my daughter got dry skin and her pediatrician recommended I try Dove Sensitive Skin. I was hesitant about using a big  brand again (in this case Unilever). Once Dove raised eyebrows with my fellow mommy friends, I went back to the drawing board.   

After researching baby soap on sites like EWG’s Skin Deep, (who knew that when you become a mother you would spend your time doing such a thing) I found that the less chemicals something has, the more it costs.

Baking Soda as SoapThree soaps later I gave up and just started washing my daughter in baking soda. When my mother in law saw me doing this she thought I was a wacko. I used it until my daughter learned how much fun it was to dump on the floor, and our bathroom looked like a crack den.

California Baby Super Sensitive Shampoo and Bodywash Finally I shelled out the big bucks — $11 for 8.5 ounces of California Baby Super Sensitive Shampoo and Bodywash. It doesn’t lather up well so it takes a lot to get baby clean. Plus, it’s much more expensive than the $1.09 I spend on a three pack of Ivory soap for myself.

Trader Joe's Oatmeal & Honey SoapOn a whim, I went to Traders Joes and bought Oatmeal & Honey Soap which said it was “pure vegetable soap” on the label. Amazingly, I was able to understand all of the ingredients on the package without the help of Google, and the list was short. I’m afraid to actually look it up because chances are there is something scary like a hormone disruptor hidden in it. Or maybe the vegetables are genetically modified. Who really knows?

What now?

After being on this 16 month fear-fueled journey just to find my kid some kind of soap that won’t hurt her, I’m still unsure. I’m still confused about chemicals. I don’t really know what’s safe.

Johnson’s recently reformulated their baby shampoo to remove the formaldehyde as well as another potentially harmful chemical. Even with their “improved formula,” I still can’t trust them. 

I shouldn’t have to research soap the same way I would my daughter’s future college, and I shouldn’t have to spend a fortune on it either. I just want to be able to enjoy watching my daughter play in the tub without worrying about what I’m putting on her skin.

Tubby time shouldn’t be this tough.

Parents, what kind of soap do you use for your kids? 

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10 Reasons Why Being a Mother Makes Me Want to Kill My Dog

baby and dog best friends

Being a mother makes me want to kill my dog. Well, I don’t actually want to end his life, but maybe I can let him outside and just not let him back in. He’s cute, he’ll find a new family.

Before my daughter was born, my Black Lab was my baby. I’d take him for walks, watch with satisfaction while he ate his expensive dog food, and let him cuddle with me in bed.

Now that there’s a real baby in the house, the poor dog is lower than the last man on the totem pole. We buy him whatever food is cheapest at Walmart and he watches from the front window when I take the baby for walks instead of him. I’m not one of those amazing moms that can juggle a stroller and a dog leash at the same time — we’d all get dragged into oncoming traffic.

Here’s 10 reasons why I want to kill my dog:

  1. He RUINS naptime by barking at wild turkeys, neighbors, the ice maker…
  2. His tail inadvertently smacks my daughter in her face and eyes
  3. He covers my daughter’s toys, lips and highchair in dog hair. You can actually watch it fall off of him when he walks by. If I go long enough without vacuuming, I could sweep it up and start a toupee shop.
  4. He knocks my kid over
  5. He makes my area rugs stink, which my daughter plays on. He also makes the vacuum stink.
  6. The prophecy is true — I am the only one who takes care of him
  7. He steals Gerber biscuits right out of my daughter’s hand
  8. My daughter chews his yucky dog bones
  9. He has been known to bring ticks into the house
  10. My daughter thinks his water bowl is a toy. She drops electronics in it like the television remote.

I already got rid of the cat right before my baby was born. (Dusty was a biter.) But as much as I gripe about my pooch, I regrettably can’t give him to you. His stinking, barking, butt-smelling face is a part of our family, and he’s good with the kid. However, he is available for sleepovers.

Does your pet do anything that drives you CRAZY now that you’re a parent? Leave a comment!

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Kim Kardashian’s Painless Childbirth and Magnificent Vagina: Another celebrity mom we can totally relate to

Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images. Image from http://goo.gl/fYyUx1

Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images. Image from http://goo.gl/fYyUx1

Celebrities can seem really far removed from us regular moms. They bounce back to rockin’ bodies ten minutes after childbirth and spit food into their kid’s mouths.

But leave it to Kim Kardashian to have a birth story that no woman can possibly relate to. I just watched Season 8 Episode 18 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and had to hit rewind to make sure I heard Kim correctly when she recounted having her baby like this:

“Labor was honestly the easiest thing ever. I did not feel one thing. Like, it was not hard.”

Awesome for her.

Oh, and not only does she say her “vag” looks even better  post-childbirth  (she looked at it with a mirror first thing when she came home from the hospital) but she’s looking forward to doing Playboy.

It’s not enough to be rich, beautiful and engaged to a famous (if not wacky) musician, but somehow her vagina has to be EVEN BETTER than before her baby came out of it? Did we really need to hear that? Now us normal moms can feel bad about our baby weight and our lady parts.

After seeing this episode, I am convinced that it is absolutely impossible to keep up with the Kardashians. Their noses and vaginas will always be better than ours.

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